Thursday, March 09, 2006
Just Let Go...
I don't like getting too personal with this blog for various reasons. One being I don't want to bore anyone with things that I think are important but others may see as trivial nonsense. (Marlena, stop talking about how worried you are about your cats and be FUNNY already!) This is also a place where I showcase my artwork (if what I do you can call "art") and I like having some type of fourth wall between myself and any readers or potential (HA!) fans, because I don't want to give some opinion I have about something and potentially alienate a reader of one of my comics because of it. But there are some things that go on in my life that I'm sure all 4 of you that read this might care about, be it something deeply personal or what I had for dinner last night (nuked leftover Chinese takeout, if you must know).
I had a revelation last night (well yesterday afternoon, but into last night) that I need to let go of some things. I got an email from one of my oldest friends with some real "blast from the past" pictures of him, my best friend, Gina, and myself in our heyday when Gina still ran her comic book store in Vegas, The Batcave.
Looking at these pictures, something finally clicked for me.
I'm a happy person, anyone who knows me knows this. But there is something missing. My gramma passed away 5 years ago this past February and I've been self-destructing every day since then.
Sure, I've met the most wonderful man and married him, he's given me the greatest life, I have the best of friends and a loving family that would do anything for me. But my gramma is the closest person to me to ever die. I guess because she was there, living with us, since I was 6 months old (after my grandfather died), I have no memory of my life without her in it. She's always been there as one of the many pivotal constants in my life. When she died I was riddled with such guilt, that it was hard to get up and do normal things everyday. I was in Texas, she was in Vegas. My mother was there taking care of her ALONE. I've been punishing myself for that ever since.
Starting today, I made a pact with myself that I was going to let go. I was going to let go of the punishing security blanket that I've slowly wrapped myself in for the last 5 years. I feel like I've woken up from a half-sleep and my mind is groggy but I can feel myself coming out of it.
So as of today, I'm not self-destructing anymore. I want to live to see a ripe old age. I want to see my grandkids and my great-grandkids. I'm not going to dwell on the past and try to bury myself in comfort because I can't figure out a more productive way to cope.
I'm not going to ever forget her, I will continue to see her face and hear her voice in everything I do, but I am going to let go. I know she would have wanted me to.
*I want everyone to know that I'm not talking about suicide here in any way, shape or form. My punishment has been that I've gained A LOT of weight since my grandmother died and its been a security blanket for me. Today I am starting my path to shed that weight so I can be healthy for myself, Ben and our unborn kids.
I had a revelation last night (well yesterday afternoon, but into last night) that I need to let go of some things. I got an email from one of my oldest friends with some real "blast from the past" pictures of him, my best friend, Gina, and myself in our heyday when Gina still ran her comic book store in Vegas, The Batcave.
Looking at these pictures, something finally clicked for me.
I'm a happy person, anyone who knows me knows this. But there is something missing. My gramma passed away 5 years ago this past February and I've been self-destructing every day since then.
Sure, I've met the most wonderful man and married him, he's given me the greatest life, I have the best of friends and a loving family that would do anything for me. But my gramma is the closest person to me to ever die. I guess because she was there, living with us, since I was 6 months old (after my grandfather died), I have no memory of my life without her in it. She's always been there as one of the many pivotal constants in my life. When she died I was riddled with such guilt, that it was hard to get up and do normal things everyday. I was in Texas, she was in Vegas. My mother was there taking care of her ALONE. I've been punishing myself for that ever since.
Starting today, I made a pact with myself that I was going to let go. I was going to let go of the punishing security blanket that I've slowly wrapped myself in for the last 5 years. I feel like I've woken up from a half-sleep and my mind is groggy but I can feel myself coming out of it.
So as of today, I'm not self-destructing anymore. I want to live to see a ripe old age. I want to see my grandkids and my great-grandkids. I'm not going to dwell on the past and try to bury myself in comfort because I can't figure out a more productive way to cope.
I'm not going to ever forget her, I will continue to see her face and hear her voice in everything I do, but I am going to let go. I know she would have wanted me to.
*I want everyone to know that I'm not talking about suicide here in any way, shape or form. My punishment has been that I've gained A LOT of weight since my grandmother died and its been a security blanket for me. Today I am starting my path to shed that weight so I can be healthy for myself, Ben and our unborn kids.
Comments:
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I'll be there with you. And maybe I'll lose some of that weight too. Well, my own. I can't lose yours for you. But if I could, I would hire someone to do it for both of us.
Wow...
That's a whole lot of "Personal" goin' on there Marls... And, if your 4, (2 more than me) fans can't handle it, that's a real shame... Cuz' as far as I'm concerned, you can only truly appreciate someone that you understand (On any level)... Especially when that person (You) shares such an important piece of your life with us... Now, while I did not laugh as I have with previous posts, I feel like I understand better than I did before... And, I wouldn't trade that for all the "Toilet Sagas", "Stuff on Your Cat", or "Comic Thievery"... Thank You for makin' me feel that much closer to you...
Your Friend,
Tony
That's a whole lot of "Personal" goin' on there Marls... And, if your 4, (2 more than me) fans can't handle it, that's a real shame... Cuz' as far as I'm concerned, you can only truly appreciate someone that you understand (On any level)... Especially when that person (You) shares such an important piece of your life with us... Now, while I did not laugh as I have with previous posts, I feel like I understand better than I did before... And, I wouldn't trade that for all the "Toilet Sagas", "Stuff on Your Cat", or "Comic Thievery"... Thank You for makin' me feel that much closer to you...
Your Friend,
Tony
Thanks, girl. I'd hire someone to do it for me too if I had the money. Its VERY easy to put on, to take it off? Not so much.
Thanks Tony. And thank you for sending those pictures when you did. They've made a big difference in kick starting this process for me.
Thanks Tony. And thank you for sending those pictures when you did. They've made a big difference in kick starting this process for me.
No Problemo Marls... That's what friends do, be there for each other... Even when they didn't know that's what they were doin'... I'm proud of you Marls, and I'm sure your GrandMother is too...
Tony
Tony
This post makes me so happy and leaves me so optimistic for the future. I never got to meet her, but have spent enough time with her daughter and granddaughters to know what kind of woman your Gramm was. You're right, she never wanted anything but for you ladies to be happy, and this is a step toward a happier Marlena. Lots of us have things we need to let go of, recognizing them is the first step. It's also the hardest.
Guilt is the hardest thing to let go of, because we feel like we deserve it. We feel like it's just and right for us to feel this way, otherwise we obviously didn't love her as much as we say we did.
I'm proud of you for starting on this path. I'm with you, always, even though I can't be by your side when you need me. I, too, realized that I was killing myself over it...slowly but surely.
It's been a long, hard, dark road to this point... but I know we've both beaten ourselves up enough. She loved us, we loved her. She wouldn't have wanted us to wallow in it for the rest of our lives.
I love you, my Sissypoo. My Other Half, my Late Born Twin. We'll get through this like everything else... holding each other's hand.
I'm always here if you need me. I love you.
I'm proud of you for starting on this path. I'm with you, always, even though I can't be by your side when you need me. I, too, realized that I was killing myself over it...slowly but surely.
It's been a long, hard, dark road to this point... but I know we've both beaten ourselves up enough. She loved us, we loved her. She wouldn't have wanted us to wallow in it for the rest of our lives.
I love you, my Sissypoo. My Other Half, my Late Born Twin. We'll get through this like everything else... holding each other's hand.
I'm always here if you need me. I love you.
Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all the love and support I'm getting from this from everyone. I know this was probably something that I could never say to anyone face to face, but I'm glad that I was able to let everyone know what I was going through.
I love all of you, and I'll keep you all posted on my progress. I've lost 5 lbs. since Thursday already. I'm very optimistic.
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I love all of you, and I'll keep you all posted on my progress. I've lost 5 lbs. since Thursday already. I'm very optimistic.
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