Thursday, September 21, 2006
83 and counting...
At least that's how old she'd be today. If she were still here. I'm getting better now, the wound has healed, but I still bear the scar of losing her. I know that we're all destined to die, that no one lives forever. It still doesn't change the fact that I didn't have enough time with her. It still doesn't change the fact that I wasn't able to see her face smiling at me on my wedding day. It doesn't change the fact that she won't be able to hold hands with my children one day. It doesn't change the fact that I'm selfish and wanted her to be around for all of those things here, with ME.
What makes it even harder is that by some cosmic coincidence, one of Ben's grandma's shares the exact same birthday as my gramma. September 21st. The thing that makes it hard is that to me, this is HER day. To Ben and his family this is his grandma's day. His family flies in from out of town, we get together for dinner for her and celebrate her. Which is wonderful, great and joyous... but to me, it's still HER day. I don't get the chance to be by myself very much on this day, because it's spent getting ready for Ben's grandma, doing things for her, and it's hard for me to put on a pleasant face for everyone because I have two days out of the year that I allow myself my little pity party, and by coincidence, today just happens to be one of them. I know it's selfish, but that doesn't mean I can change it. It doesn't occur to them that I have a different significance for this day.
Thankfully this year we're having a party for her on Saturday, and not doing anything today, so I have today to call my mom and my sister and just make sure they are ok and talk about her with them.
My memories of her haven't faded. I still remember her crossword puzzles, her coffee, her cowboy dancing shows, her crush on MacGuyver (yup, she was one of THEM). I remember her picking me up from school before I got my driver's license. My friend Michelle and I would wait until we saw her little blue roller skate of a car pulling up to the front of the school and she'd honk at us. She always honked at us, even if we saw her and were already walking towards her, she'd still honk. I remember her yells of "WHAT ARE YOUSE DOING?!?!" up the stairs if my friends and I got too rowdy in my room and sounded to her "like a herd of elephants". This is how I remember her:
She was my funny face, my clown. My sister was her Pal, and I was her Baby. I remember seeing the movie Predator AND this horrible occult movie called The Believers in the same day when I was kid, (yeah, my Dad had NO idea that these were not appropriate movies for an 8 year old) and having TERRIBLE nightmares that night. It was my gramma that let me sleep in her bed with her, because I was too scared to sleep on my own. She always tried everything to make me feel better. Many times she'd also get me and my sister out of jams with our parents just because that's what grammas do. Us wrestling on my parents' waterbed causing it to burst and flood their bedroom, being one such time.
She was the epitome of everything that you ever think of when you think of grandparents. My grandfather on my mom's side died when I was 6 months old, and I think she spent most of her time making up for the fact that we were short one grandparent on that side by showering my sister and I with her love and wisdom twice as much.
I often wonder what she was like, before she had kids. Or when my Mom was young. I wish I could go back and ask her to tell me more stories of her when she was my age or younger. That's what I regret most of all, that I didn't learn enough about her, so I can't tell my kids enough about her when they are growing up. This wonderful, intelligent, strong woman that they'll never get to meet.
There are still so many things I experience everyday that remind me of her, or make me think that it would be something she would enjoy. This helps me to keep her spirit alive and it surrounds me in what I know to be her essence. I hope she's proud of me, of the woman I've become.
So this day, is for you, Gram. May you find peace, light and love wherever you are right now and know that your light still shines brightly within my heart. Every day.
What makes it even harder is that by some cosmic coincidence, one of Ben's grandma's shares the exact same birthday as my gramma. September 21st. The thing that makes it hard is that to me, this is HER day. To Ben and his family this is his grandma's day. His family flies in from out of town, we get together for dinner for her and celebrate her. Which is wonderful, great and joyous... but to me, it's still HER day. I don't get the chance to be by myself very much on this day, because it's spent getting ready for Ben's grandma, doing things for her, and it's hard for me to put on a pleasant face for everyone because I have two days out of the year that I allow myself my little pity party, and by coincidence, today just happens to be one of them. I know it's selfish, but that doesn't mean I can change it. It doesn't occur to them that I have a different significance for this day.
Thankfully this year we're having a party for her on Saturday, and not doing anything today, so I have today to call my mom and my sister and just make sure they are ok and talk about her with them.
My memories of her haven't faded. I still remember her crossword puzzles, her coffee, her cowboy dancing shows, her crush on MacGuyver (yup, she was one of THEM). I remember her picking me up from school before I got my driver's license. My friend Michelle and I would wait until we saw her little blue roller skate of a car pulling up to the front of the school and she'd honk at us. She always honked at us, even if we saw her and were already walking towards her, she'd still honk. I remember her yells of "WHAT ARE YOUSE DOING?!?!" up the stairs if my friends and I got too rowdy in my room and sounded to her "like a herd of elephants". This is how I remember her:
She was my funny face, my clown. My sister was her Pal, and I was her Baby. I remember seeing the movie Predator AND this horrible occult movie called The Believers in the same day when I was kid, (yeah, my Dad had NO idea that these were not appropriate movies for an 8 year old) and having TERRIBLE nightmares that night. It was my gramma that let me sleep in her bed with her, because I was too scared to sleep on my own. She always tried everything to make me feel better. Many times she'd also get me and my sister out of jams with our parents just because that's what grammas do. Us wrestling on my parents' waterbed causing it to burst and flood their bedroom, being one such time.She was the epitome of everything that you ever think of when you think of grandparents. My grandfather on my mom's side died when I was 6 months old, and I think she spent most of her time making up for the fact that we were short one grandparent on that side by showering my sister and I with her love and wisdom twice as much.I often wonder what she was like, before she had kids. Or when my Mom was young. I wish I could go back and ask her to tell me more stories of her when she was my age or younger. That's what I regret most of all, that I didn't learn enough about her, so I can't tell my kids enough about her when they are growing up. This wonderful, intelligent, strong woman that they'll never get to meet.There are still so many things I experience everyday that remind me of her, or make me think that it would be something she would enjoy. This helps me to keep her spirit alive and it surrounds me in what I know to be her essence. I hope she's proud of me, of the woman I've become.
So this day, is for you, Gram. May you find peace, light and love wherever you are right now and know that your light still shines brightly within my heart. Every day.
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Marls,
You have grown so much since the last time You wrote about this Incredible Woman... I'm so PROUD of You, and so is She... And your kids will know about Her, cuz' You will keep her memory alive with Pictures, Stories, and the Lessons that You learned from Her... I hope You, Alicia and Your Mom had Healin' Talks...
Your Friend,
Tony
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You have grown so much since the last time You wrote about this Incredible Woman... I'm so PROUD of You, and so is She... And your kids will know about Her, cuz' You will keep her memory alive with Pictures, Stories, and the Lessons that You learned from Her... I hope You, Alicia and Your Mom had Healin' Talks...
Your Friend,
Tony
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